ANGER MANAGEMENT

Everybody who knows me always said that im so destructive when im angry. Shouting, yelling, swearing, hitting and throwing things are the way i express my anger. I dont remember how many things i've break so far: plate, glass, astray, mirror, etc.

But i do remember how painfull my hand is everytime i hit the wall. And i remember also how bad its looks like afterwards. I duno where this attitude come from, maybe i just copied from my environment.

After 3 suicide attemps, i learn the anger management. The book give lot of advise how to manage to anger, how to control the emotion, how to turn the bad feeling into something positive .. but its not as easy as the theory. So i give up and prefer to do it on my own way.

I prefer to stay quiet or sometimes when the anger level get so high, i do walk out things. I will just leave and go somewhere (or sometimes hidding). I cant say its helpfull, but its not so bad also. But lately, i get so much stress and those methods cant help anymore.

Yesterday, i fight with my supervisor and im shouted at him. Everybody at the office shock to see my inpropriate behaviour. I duno if i should asking for apologize for that. Anyway, at the nite, before i sleep i promise that it wont happen again.

But today, the same thing happen (AGAIN) .. and its even worse! Not only shouted at my boss, i also slamed the door infront of him. I duno what happen with me, with my anger management .. all i know is i will have big problem if i keep behave like this.

Arrrgghhh .. i hate to say this, but im just a loser, i dont have any leadership sense .. how can i control others, if i cant control my self. How can i lead people to good, if all i do is just lead my self to troubles ..

BLACK & WHITE

When i get tired with my life journey, i stopped and look back. But all i saw is just black and white. And all i hear is just the laugh and cry. There is a time when i walk on the wrong path, i just see the darkness .. so empty and cold. It cause nothing but pain, tear and fear.

Then i find the right path, its boring and full of roles and obligation, which i hate so much. But when i take that way, i feel comfortable and safe .. and i can laugh instead of cry.

Anyway im just human being .. i cant be always looks white and clean as a saint. But i dont want to be a sinner for my whole life. I intend good - i do good - i am good (Rita_06)

(writen on another lonely night .. )

ME & MY OLD MAN

Old man : I know the reason why i come here
Me : Why?
Old man : To find u!
Me : (speechless)
-- taken from sunday morning conversation --

My old man and i come from different continent, different culture, different backgrounds and different face (otherwise we will look like twins:-D). But the most important thing is we have different sex, he is male and im female (*gggggg*).

But we have something similar. General: we come for humanitarian mission and to look for something new (experience n skills). Personal: we are crazy (but cool) and also have the same status (we were single fighter hihihihi).

We meet very often, but i never know his name, we just two strangers for each others untill a crazy party in Atlas Logistics. Then i begin to like him, i spend days and nights to know more about him. The good thing is he have the same feeling, and shortly we get into this stage.

Its not easy for us to be together, we almost break up at a horrible sunday on June. But thx God its never happen. The heart always stonger than the head!

Now a days, everything is getting much better. We try to understand each other (more), we try to give (more) time, we try to talk (more), we try to spend times together (more), we try to (more) open and we try to love each other (more) .. just give (more) more portion for own good.

Both of us never expect to find lover here (at least not me, but he did .. he admit that he look arround:-p). But when we found it, we have to take it and look after it, isnt it?

U know why i decide to come after the 3rd calls? Because i know i'll find 'the one' here .. the one im waiting for .. the one i m looking for .. the one i need .. the one i love!

THE PARTY (ALMOST) OVER

When the party started, everybody jump into the venue and having fun. Talking, laughing, dancing, singing, walking around, teasing and making fun of each other.. Sometimes flirting also (*ggggg*). But after hours, the time is up, the light off, the music stop..and everybody goes home.

I start ‘the party’ in this place. Lot of people is coming, some are nice and special, the others are nice too but suck (ups!!!). We have such a great time in the middle of fearness about a shit called syariah role.

But some guest have to go early for their own good. They are: Hans (he said he will just go for a while, but he never coming back), Marc (the most nice guest ever .. u’ll find another sweet rocky in another party out there), Nanda (be ready, we will always have party..), Ricky (I duno why this party girl have crush on u, are u that special? *ggggg*) and the last is Didi (keep the rasta bro he he he).

Before I close the door properly, another guest are saying good bye as well. My cutie Steffy (hopefully I’ll hear very happy ending about ur story), my lovely Wun (I wish u could stay here longer….)

The party is not over yet cos I still have some guests. But it will .. i just duno when!!! Thx guys (and girls) for coming to ‘my party’ .. thx for giving colours and waves .. see u in another party in another place, all the best!.

-- for my old man, will u stay with me when the party is over? --